Some specific addictive and compulsive behaviors can include:

• alcohol and drugs
• food
• sex
• work
• people/relationships
• exercise
• shopping
• gambling
• success
• acquiring
• filling time
• smoking
• rescuing

Some of these behaviors may sound surprising when you think of them as addictions or compulsions. We don't think of being concerned with success, for example, as anything to worry about! But we can sometimes fool ourselves and think we are being quite healthy, when in fact, we are trying to sedate ourselves, or feel better, or avoid feelings by compulsively engaging some neutral or healthy-sounding behaviors! One woman who took my class on Compulsions and Addictions wrote:
"In my work, which is assisting woman develop careers or businesses, many of the sessions turn into relationship addiction talks. It is helpful to recognize women's natural tendencies toward helping as potential addictions!"

The major point about addictions and compulsions (we'll call them "a/c's") is that they allow us to push away the real feelings which we would otherwise feel. They create an illusion of control just at the time when, in fact, we usually feel the most out of control. It is this desperate need to control our unconscious minds and feelings which creates the compulsion behavior, which in turn creates a false illusion of control, which in turn keeps us stuck without authentic control! It is a vicious circle, and one which can repeat itself forever. Ask any alcoholic. Control is the name of the game, and it is all in an attempt to NOT FEEL. Why do we fight so hard to avoid our feelings? Usually because they are so frightening, because we are afraid they will destroy us, or someone else, because we are afraid that we are hopelessly worthless human beings, because we do not want to hurt, because we were messaged not to feel in our families, because we have poor self-esteem if we are angry ... there are loads of reasons why people avoid their feelings, and it always amazes me what people will do in order NOT to feel!

1. A buildup of pressure occurs, during which time we begin to think about the a/c behavior, perhaps;
2. A trigger event occurs, something which causes an increase in the inner tension. This can be an unpleasant interchange, a bad day, a mood, or in the case of a full-blown addiction, a trigger can be simply the passage of time;
3. Peak phase occurs when the internal pressure is so great that we rush to take action. We can't stand it, so we grab a cake, or a drink, or a cigarette; we are so lonely we go shopping. We can't tolerate the emptiness so we enroll in yet another workshop;
4. The down-swing is the post-indulgent period. Here we often experience self-loathing, guilt, remorse, fear or shame. Perhaps we ask ourselves "how many times do I have to do this?"; or "what kind of a person am I?"; or "screw it, so what? who cares?" (Which is often a variation on the other kinds of recriminations).

Often we have to reach the end of our rope: emotionally, spiritually, financially, relationally ... before we even recognize the cycle. In the 12-step programs, this is called "bottoming out." Then we must decide to deal with it! But to deal with an a/c behavior means that we have to stop and really look at what is driving us. As long as an external event or behavior is our focus, and we displace our hidden feelings onto that behavior, we don't have to look inside ourselves to examine what is really going on. And to face the feelings means that, usually, it will feel worse before it feels better!

A couple of other characteristics of compulsive behavior can be useful in dealing with healing. First, a/c behavior is usually out of step with reality. For example, over-eating can reflect some very unrealistic beliefs, such as "this is the only thing I can control," or "this is the only way I can fill up." The fantasy is that "if I can eat enough, I won't feel empty", or "if I control my body, I am in control." This fantasy is out of touch with reality because clearly eating cannot fix anything, and compulsive eating only hurts us further.

Here is an exercise you can try. Try to refrain from a compulsive activity. Instead of compulsively eating, drinking, shopping, interfering in someone else's business ... see if you can identify the feelings that you are having. Perhaps it is shame, anxiety, pain, loneliness, anger. See if you can tolerate the feeling for a little while. Se if you can tolerate the idea that you are a person who has this type of feeling! To give up compulsions means you must give up the unconscious belief that it can fix you. To change, you must be willing to accept yourself as you are realistically, without going for the "fix", without changing. This is terribly painful, and, at first, impossible! But it can be done, slowly and surely.

A second characteristic is that a/c behavior perpetuates more a/c behavior! Exercise addicts, for example, might use exercise to avoid intimacy, and to feel in control of something (the body). But since this is a total illusion, it must be renewed at every opportunity to keep working.

In addition, a/c behavior is reactive instead of active. Since we are basically involved in avoiding feelings, we get triggered into a/c behavior whenever a potentially dangerous feeling threatens to surface! This keeps us stuck and prevents us from putting our attention where we want to in our lives It's as if the trigger is a crying baby. Instead of putting out energy into areas we love, we have to stop, pick up the crying baby and feed it (by indulging in the a/c behavior) before we can get around to living our lives. We are run by the crying baby.

A final characteristic of a/c's is that they can point the way to understanding the underlying belief systems we have as a result of our early experiences. Our early lives are ALWAYS implicated when we are dealing with a/c's, that is, the seeds which become addictions and compulsions are planted in our childhoods. We will soon be talking about the role of the family and the family trance. Be sure to read that seminar to learn more about the family's role in a/c's; there is much to be learned which can lead to better recovery from understanding the family.

Let's summarize:

• Learn to observe if there is a compulsive or mood-altering behavior which negatively affects your life.
• Learn to observe and track the cycle and pattern of your compulsive behavior, and chart its destructive consequences.
• Learn to identify and encounter the feelings that the a/c behavior has been hiding.
• Learn to identify and name your underlying belief about the a/c behavior.
• Learn more about your family and the role it played in planting the seeds of you're a/c behavior.

As always, our behaviors and our personalities can teach us a great deal, if we would only stay open and non-judgemental to ourselves.