Of course, we must talk about families! We all grew up in a family of some sort, and it is within the context of the family that we became the person we are. The importance of the family, for better and for worse, cannot be overstated. And in doing any work on ourselves, we realize that we have to understand the role of the family, and in addition, our individual role within the family! There is so much to say about families, but let's keep this simple, and start with a description of the healthy family. Of course, there is a range from healthy to dysfunctional, with no family being all good or all bad ... but families can be described along many dimensions, and we'll start with the characteristics of the healthy family.

• Safety. The healthy family provides an environment where every member feels safe, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Children, especially, need to be provided with parents who are safe, and who communicate that safety will always be ensured. A child needs to feel that s/he can relax and not be on the lookout for potential danger, either from the parent or anyone else. In a disrupted family, safety is missing in a number of ways: emotional unavailability of a parent leads a child to feel very unsafe, for a child needs to feel that feelings are part of the business of the family. Loss of control in a parent also leads a child to feel unsafe, and this happens when there is substance abuse - alcohol, drugs, food, etc. - as well as when a parent is a rage-aholic or otherwise tends to lose control. Failure to protect children from hazards - whether it be dangerous situations like electrical outlets, or dangerous people - like sexual abusers - also leads children to feelings of danger, and that safety is missing. Direct physical abuse is another way in which children can come to mistrust the family environment, and feel that safety is missing.
• Open communication. In a healthy family, every member feels that s/he is free to speak about what is going on. It is ok to speak about feelings that I am having, and it is ok to tell mom or dad or a sibling whatever it is I want. This open communication is a cornerstone for confidence building, and for a sense of trust in relationships. In a disrupted family, it is known that you must watch out with what you say. Often secrets are kept in order to keep the peace ("Don't tell Daddy about the money we spent today," or "Don't tell your brother that I gave you this thing," or "Let's let this be our little secret." ) In a disrupted family, often it is the facade of normality that is important; the truth really doesn't matter. How you feel doesn't matter; what you think doesn't matter. What matters is how the family looks to the outside. I call this "the lookin' good family." In this family, feelings are hidden, and if you are upset, it is important to smile and pretend. Often there is some sort of rule like "don't upset Mom," or "don't be angry." In some families, the rule can even be, "don't be too happy." One woman I work with came from a family where the father represented death. He could not wait to die; for 45 years he walked around saying that he was sure he would die soon. In her family, any expression of life or joy was forbidden, because "it upsets Dad." Finally, in this family, children are often made into confidants of one of the parents, because the parents do not talk to each other.
• Self care. In a healthy family, each person feels like it is ok to take care of themselves. It is ok to rest, to use the family resources to provide for needs, to take up space in the family. For example, a parent might feel fine using savings to pay for a needed item, or a child who is delegated a job responsibility might would feel perfectly fine taking a lunch break. At the dinner table, each person feels entitled to take up space and time talking. In a disrupted family, there is a sense of a scarcity economy. Sometimes children are scared into not using the resources, because it is assumed that there is simply not enough to go around. In families of alcoholics or other addictions, the children know that the alcoholic's needs come first. In one family, dad's case of beer was bought every week, before anything else was paid for. In another, mom's makeup came first. Another way the disrupted family violates self care is that family members start to feel responsible for other's problems. Many people from troubled families have a big "fix it" attitude.
• Individualized roles. We all come to have roles in our families. The difference is that in a healthy family, we decide what role we want to have. Our role gets defined by the person we become, by our likes and dislikes, by our talents and skills, by our needs and capacities. And our roles change as we grow and change. In a disrupted family, the needs of the family dictate our role. Perhaps dad is drinking again, and, like it or not, the oldest son has to go out and find him and bring him home. This is a role which is not chosen by the child, but imposed by the parent's dysfunction. The daughter of a preacher might be messaged that she must be always a good girl, because she is in the public eye. One man told me that he wanted more than anything to be an artist, but his father eat him when he saw him dancing. In this family, the son's role was imposed by the father's prejudice.
• Continuity. A healthy family offers each member a sense of continuity; a real sense that the family will be there tomorrow, just as it was there yesterday. We feel not only a sense of safety, but a sense of enduring presence, like the family is something we can count on. In a disrupted family, there is instead a sense of chaos, like "what now??" Or perhaps we feel an arbitrariness, as if there is no predictability to what might happen next. In one family, the son never knew what to expect when there was a message from home, because his father - an unmedicated manic-depressive - might have lost his job, bought an airplane, divorced his latest wife, or attempted suicide! Often, in dysfunctional families, there is an on-going fear right beneath the surface that the family might dissolve. Children report being afraid of parents' divorcing, of being left alone.
• Respect for Privacy. In a healthy family, there is a respect for the boundaries of others, and therefore, a respect for each person's privacy. Children can trust that a closed door means that no one will come barging in, that private papers will not be read, that phone conversations will not be listened to, and that privacy will be respected. In a dysfunctional family, parents can become very intrusive, even when there is no reason to suspect others of any wrong-doing. Often, in a dysfunctional family, "privacy" is confused with "secrecy," and the parent feels that s/he is entitled to any such information. People who grew up in such families often have confusion later in life, and sometimes they feel that they are not entitled to ANY privacy, and must tell their spouses EVERYTHING, for example. I often must teach people from these families that "private does not equal secret." Or, in another scenario, people from these families come to have tons of secrets, as a way of rebelling against the lack of privacy afforded them as children.

Even from this short list of characteristics, you can begin to think about your family in a whole new way, and appreciate and evaluate what you grew up with, and what you are creating now. This is an important start to doing work on your family of origin.